Hey Lady! Your participle is dangling...

I am not going back to school. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not! School was challenging and fun the first time. I liked and am still happy with my major and I was able to graduate in four years. But, I've been working intensely with a junior high student to prepare for school placement tests and have uncovered a buried regret: I wish I had an English degree. Of all the text books I had in college, the one I didn't re-sell was my English handbook. I love reading it! Now, don't compare my love of the subject with my actual practice. I'm lacking in the practical application of grammar. But my desire for mastery is fierce! I'm going to study my handbook this summer, and hopefully all things, this space included, will benefit.

In the spirit of James Frey's root canal...

Only my tale really happened. You can ask my eye doctor, Dr. Smith. Really, that's his name.

I went in for one of many post-op appointments and to see if my post-traumatic stress was justified. I'm talking about how he mechanically unhinged my corneal flaps. (Translation: he used a scalpel and cut big U shapes into my eyes while I watched in the reflection.)

Me: You know that medicine that was supposed to take the edge off?

Smith: Yes?

Me: It didn't work.

Smith: Uh oh.

Me: Yeah, and you know that whole manual cutting of my corneas thing?

Smith: Yes?

Me: I didn't know you were going to do that. I was completely unprepared.

Smith: Really?

Me: Really. And I could see the reflection of the procedure while you were doing it.

Smith: So, no meds on board and a scary procedure.

Me: Yep.

Smith: Do you want me to draw you a picture of what I did? You're not a fainter, are you?

Me: No thanks, I've seen it, and you'd already know if I were a fainter.

Lamaze is handy for lots of things

Doctor's orders, I'm not supposed to spend much time on the computer and for the past three days, I've done nothing but sit with my eyes closed like a good eye surgery patient. I'll be brief. I've just had my second laser surgery and for all intents and purposes it went really well. The morning of my surgery I was very nervous and upset. Yes, lasik it a pretty easy procedure, but it involves the eyes (duh) and makes me sort of sick just thinking about it. Ten years ago they gave me Valium, put me in a chair, told me where to look and it was over, no big whoop. Valium worked for me. This time the nurse gave me a mystery pill "to take the edge off". I was counting on that, but it never happened. I kept waiting and waiting for that happy feeling to come over me. Never happened. I went into the surgical suite with my fists firmly clenched and my jaw set. Instead of going straight to the laser, I sat by while my doctor unhinged my corneal flap manually. You know those eye gizmos you sit at with you on one side and the doctor on the other and it's all bright lights while they examine the inside of your skull? Thankfully he used numbing drops. First he drew a line to mark my old incision, then he took a sharp instrument and cut over the line he had drawn. I could see the reflection of my eye in the device, not fun. Thank the Lord for Lamaze breathing. The actual laser part was just as simple and easy as I remembered, but that alien-abduction-eye-probe thing was no piece of cake. Now I'm resting at home with giant contact lenses in place and goggles for sleeping. Which I think I will go do now because this is the most my eyes have had to do in days and they're tired!